While I was in New York, my friend Rachel Rabbit White was working on a story about eyeliner, and over the weeks we came up with lots of weird ideas that were, well, totally unusable for a straight beauty story. So here’s one of them: which eyeliner animal are you?
You are… mature, sexy, sophisticated, powerful, independent and yet deceptively domesticated. Your style is classic, albeit high-maintenance, as befits your queenly presence. You are passionate yet inaccessible, and believe you are entitled to the very best.
Your celebrity animal spirits: Ava Gardner, Lana Turner, Elizabeth Taylor
How to get the look: Lean over your dressing table, thickly lipsticked mouth slightly open, using a steady hand and a frightening, hyper-focused gaze. Occasionally lean back, purse your lips, and survey your precision with burning intensity. When you are finished, lift your chin in silent satisfaction and take a sip of hard liquor.
Avoid: smudging, crying.
Wear with: real diamonds, real fur, garter belt, uncomfortable shoes.
You are… immature, precious and spoiled and yet you are nevertheless quite alert and curious. Your style is twee, and slightly younger than you are. You are sensitive, but mostly when it comes to your own feelings. You have a sense of humour, or a tumblr account, but not both.
Your celebrity animal spirits: Taylor Swift, Zooey Deschanel, Various Emmas
How to get the look: stick your tongue out slightly as you lean over the dirty sink in the shared bathroom with the awful overhead lighting. Apply with the patented “kitten flick”, which ought to be a quick but very certain gesture. Get it wrong. Remove. Repeat over and over again until each flick is almost identical, or whatever.
Avoid: being photographed from low angles.
Wear with: kitten heels, pussy bows.
You are… so unsexy that your kind is virtually an endangered species. The obsessively penciled black halo around your eyes sets you apart from the ordinary, and it takes an equally unique individual to recognize your beauty. Your care-bear stare has a tendency to make others stare back.
Your celebrity animal spirits: Tai Shan, Ming, Chi Chi , An An, and Mei Mei
How to get the look: slowly rotate your pencil around your eye in a gradual outward spiral, while meditatively chewing a stalk of bamboo.
Avoid: any other makeup.
Wear with: Burberry. Just kidding! Comme des Garcons.
You are… on an endless walk of shamelessness. Utterly undomesticated, you are nocturnal and feral. You will take whatever you can get, without offering anything useful in return. Though you are undeniably attractive, you are antisocial and vicious when cornered. People hate you, and somehow their hate sustains you.
Your celebrity animal spirits: Lindsay Lohan, Courtney Love
How to get the look: wake and bake. Apply your makeup. Take a drink. Go to work late. Make a scene. Get in a fight with your boss. Cry in the bathroom. Re-apply your makeup over your old makeup. Go out partying. Get in a fight at the club. Get arrested. Get bailed out. Go home. Take a drink. Pass out. Repeat until rehab.
Avoid: washing your face. Raccoon eyes take days, if not weeks, of gradual build-up.
Wear with: sunglasses, leggings, leather boots.