so far, so London

thinking — Danielle on September 5, 2011 at 5:41 pm

So it has been 9 months in London. 9 months of novelty, bureaucracy, existential crises, loneliness, rejection, vacation, self-destruction, wondering, wandering, cash flow issues, random encounters, queues, new friends, risky behaviour, beigels, confined spaces, grandeur, wrong turns and righteous reinvention.

I knew that it would be a tricky to move to a new city in a new country, but of course there was no way I could prepare myself for it. Do I love London? Every once in a while, when it loves me back – most of the time the relationship is somewhere between ambivalent and adversarial. It is not that different than Toronto, just more extreme – London deals out euphoria and downright hostility, but without much in between. It is not a city you can cruise along comfortably in. Especially if the nature of your occupation is inconsistent.

When you’re winning at London, you feel brilliant. When you’re losing at London, you feel like an abject failure. Experience can modify your reactions to the fluctuations somewhat, just as in freelancing, after a while you accept that your last job won’t be your last, ever. You just have to accept that the struggle will never be transcended.

My three greatest dragons to slay have been isolation, obscurity, and squalor.

I slept and worked in this sixty square foot room in East London for just over seven months. To say it was a downgrade from my studio situation in Toronto would be an understatement. But there was nothing to be done for it – I only had a couple months worth of expenses saved, I had lost the location-specific portion of my income, and I had no definite business plan in London. I chose to operate with as little as I could, allowing myself only a few business-related investments – an office chair, a new small scanner and a work lamp. The situation was physically and psychologically confining.

In December, business was good, with two large projects from American clients and a number of smaller ones, I was almost wholly occupied with work. Personally, I had never been so miserable in my life. I was sick with a persistent cough, there was a lot of tension and disorder in my flat, and I was lonelier than I had ever been before, far away from my family and friends. I’m not sure why I chose November to move, in retrospect.

January was decent business wise but I started to experience some cash flow issues as I had difficulty opening up a UK bank account as a self-employed person. I had put a plan into place to meet people in London – so my social anxieties were alleviated somewhat, but overall the only reason it was better was because December had been so bad. The other major event was the eviction of some toxic flatmates – so me and my remaining flatmates had the opportunity to upgrade the flat and it became significantly more liveable.

In January, February and March I attended my first European fashion weeks, in Berlin, London and Paris. These experiences were incredible and enlightening, but not without difficulties. As a new kid in town, I experienced the most frequent feelings of professional rejection I had since I was a new graduate. Berlin was covered by a freelance job, but I was mostly just hanging out, wall-flying it, for London and Paris. And eventually, pants-flying it as I carelessly spent next month’s rent on cafe au lait and macarons in Paris.

Coming back to London and reality was rock hard. For the first time in my entire career as a freelancer, I experienced two consecutive months with zero revenue – March and April. The “freelancer’s vacation” is probably the most stressful thing I deal with in my work, more so that time because I had spent my usual buffer, and had foolishly decided to live in a ridiculously expensive city. I have had several zero months in the past & ridden them out fairly smoothly on savings and faith. Not this time. This was probably the most intense professional existential crises of my entire life.

Racking up credit card bills, I refused to lose at London. I took my time and divided it in two. I revived my resume – moribund for 8 years, printed it out, and literally pounded the pavement by day, applying for shop assistant positions all over London. The rest of my time was spent re-assessing my web presence and professional goals. It was like post-grad anxiety all over again – interviews for jobs I could care less about by day, agonizing ambitious angst by night. I stripped down my website to the essentials, and started posting less often, but focusing on gnarlier subjects, posts that would take a while to work into shape.

Just like they always do, once I had achieved a level of hustling momentum, the freelance gods blessed me with my first ever consulting client, advising and overseeing fashion-related artwork for a game developer in San Francisco. Then I got one of my highest profile jobs ever for a dream Canadian client, doing an ADR paper doll for The Bay. Suddenly, I was OK again. I turned down two retail positions. I paid off my credit card bill (though I would be hovering between black and red until August) and I could afford my trip to Glasgow with Gail in June.

Despite the good news, I was still dealing with a lingering sense of isolation. I was keeping a diary for a side project at the time, and it was strange to read how repetitive my obsessions were: lonely, money, lonely, money, lonely, money. The exercise of writing it down was really useful, it made me realize that I had to do something about my situation, as I could see that it was resulting in genuine psychological distress and some low-level self-destructive behaviour.

At the beginning of July, I met some kind strangers, as had become my habit, at the V&A on a rainy night. One of them mentioned he had a desk share available & lived in my neighbourhood. I checked it out, and while it didn’t suit me exactly, the solution for my isolation had presented itself. It was time to take on the risk of an extra monthly expense and find a good desk share. Within two days I had found it and moved in and it was a physically and socially expansive experience from the beginning. My working space is no longer confined, and an added level of social texture in my life has made my days significantly more pleasant.

Once that move was made and I had settled into a new routine, I finally had the career-defining epiphany I had been searching for since March. I often struggled with how to describe my blog – it is a fashion blog, but it is not the type of fashion blog that most people think of. It is not an outfit blog or a street style blog, and while it errs on the analytical side, it is definitely not an academic blog either.

With an unconscious impulse, I found myself typing “trend theory” into Google, and guess what the top result was? A post I made on The Fashion Spot in 2005. It was some long tail voodoo magic, of course that is what Final Fashion is about! I googled “trend theorist“, and I found that no one calls themselves that. Well, now someone does, and as the first ever trend theorist I have the opportunity to define that role as I continue to think, write, discuss, and observe fashion. It was an epiphany on the same level as when I named my grad collection “final fashion”, or when I first put “fashion illustrator” on my business cards.

Now I am finding the greater clarity of purpose has started to have an effect – I am creating more estimates, some for UK businesses, I am finding new friends with great affinity at greater frequency. For the first time in well over a year, I feel temporary bursts of contentment. My consulting contract has been renewed twice, and I have other contracts lined up through January. This week, I was finally able to save one month’s worth of expenses again. I’m preparing to attend fashion weeks in London and Paris. I selected two new flatmates and my living space is now even more neat and comfortable.

Will I stay in London indefinitely? I don’t think so. I miss being near my family, and now that my business is 100% non-location-specific I don’t see why I should settle in such an expensive city when I could live much more comfortably in a smaller centre. I do plan stay the rest of my Visa here – until October 2012. It continues to be an incredibly life-defining challenge for me – the first time I ever attempted something truly on my own. Though it has been difficult, I cherish the solitary nature of this endeavor. In order to make a bid for social mobility – which is what moving to an expensive, competitive city truly is – you have to take financial, social, and professional risks and be very persistent. I have and I’ll continue to do so, because the professional and personal rewards are so satisfying.

When I come back to Canada, I’ll be able to have my very own studio for the first time, and I’ll be totally self-reliant, at a profession I absolutely adore.

Thanks for reading. Love from London…

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    27 Comments »

    1. Thanks for sharing, D.

      :)

      Comment by Nadia Lewis — September 5 2011 @ 7:02 pm
    2. a) i miss you tons.
      b) you inspire me. you know i am about to take a big, blind leap myself cross country to san diego – and i am terrified. i only hope to develop the resolve you have over the last nine months – through all of that loneliness and financial peril, i looked at you as one of my bravest friends. you went out there and you made it work, and you were so honest and open as it all happened. you are strong, and strength is beautiful.
      c) i hope that even though i wont be in a fashion location anymore, you’ll still come visit! wahoo, beach vacation!

      Comment by joi (stereoette) — September 5 2011 @ 7:27 pm
    3. What refreshing honesty. Thank you for deciding to share the not-so-great side of self discovery. And I’m telling you that you really should be proud with what you’ve accomplished to date. Hell, I’m proud of you, and I’ve only ever met you ex-roommate, man.

      Comment by Melissa Bernais — September 5 2011 @ 7:34 pm
    4. You are so, so brave. I’m so glad that things have worked out – don’t you feel a little bit unstoppable now? ;) After I negotiated a lease in Chinese while living in Taiwan, I remember thinking “There will be very little in my life that will be this hard.”

      Comment by Sarah Von — September 5 2011 @ 8:29 pm
    5. Forged in the fires of adversity! Keep goin kiddo, I think you’re doing great. You still make this old codger smile.

      Comment by Jesse — September 5 2011 @ 8:52 pm
    6. This post is amazing, I hope you never forget this feeling of wrestling with, and creating your professional life. What you have achieved is the most difficult thing imaginable and you should celebrate your achievement. You will have developed in ways that will benefit you the rest of your life. Thanks for sharing this. It is inspirational for women in all walks of life.

      P.

      Comment by Pascale — September 6 2011 @ 1:48 am
    7. Woo boy, can I relate to a lot of this. Thank you for sharing your adventures so candidly.

      Comment by Breeyn — September 6 2011 @ 9:07 am
    8. Thanks for sharing.

      I’m planning a leap of my own, going back to school in a different country. You’ve always had an astute sense of self and what is best for you. This post was very inspiring.

      Are you coming back to Toronto? Or will you wander to a cheaper CDN location?

      R

      Comment by Rebecca — September 6 2011 @ 4:06 pm
    9. Beautiful post, Danielle. Thank you for sharing your life and your struggles with us – I am so glad things are looking up for you.

      I love the idea of you as a trend theorist – good for you for defining your blog and your goals!

      Comment by Tiff — September 6 2011 @ 4:46 pm
    10. Thanks so much all of you for reading such a long post, for all your comments & support.

      Rebecca, I’m not sure if I’ll pick Toronto or somewhere else, will think more about that next year.

      Comment by Danielle — September 6 2011 @ 5:15 pm
    11. Daniella Bella …
      I so enjoyed reading your latest blog this morning – such an honest, self-searching and insightful account todate of your most awesome adventure in London!
      We’re so proud of you – not just of your accomplishments – but also for just ‘trying it and doing it’. You go girl!

      Comment by Sue — September 6 2011 @ 7:15 pm
    12. As someone who has moved between foreign countries four times in the past year without finishing school or finding a decent job (which were the two goals of said year), I can totally relate. Also to the momentum when you touch the ground and only go up up up (hope it comes for me soon ;))You are tough and I really admire the way you deal with hardship! Good job :)

      Comment by Vera — September 6 2011 @ 10:14 pm
    13. Thank you so much for sharing this post. Can’t wait to see what happens in between now and when you come back to your stomping grounds.

      You are much braver than I am. :)

      Comment by Annching — September 6 2011 @ 11:48 pm
    14. This made me cry. I’m so freaking proud of you, Danielle, that it makes me want to burst. What you’re doing isn’t just inspirational, it’s important. What you’ve done (and continue to do) shows all the hustlers, all the wannabe breakouts, all the artists, all the dream-chasers that it can be done. You’ve always had a very special place in my heart, and this remarkable adventure has only deepened it. I’m very much looking forward to seeing you when you come home and hearing about all the in-between places.

      Comment by Ellie Di — September 7 2011 @ 1:25 am
    15. Thanks for sharing Danielle, that experience is so honest and invaluable.

      ALSO – love love love your work, and think perhaps the trend agencies might be a great place for you to consult with too (my fav’s are PSFK… check em out and get on that purple list, you’d rock at it!).

      -cc

      Comment by Christine — September 7 2011 @ 2:50 am
    16. Danielle, I seriously admire your tenacity when it comes chasing after what you want to do. At times I feel like I’m mirroring the same struggles as you here in Tokyo, but I don’t have the ability to put it into writing so eloquently. Part of the fun of the experience is the challenge. Waking up in the city and looking at everything you’ve accomplished yourself is so self satisfying.

      Comment by Corey Lee — September 8 2011 @ 2:15 am
    17. Hi
      I love your illustrations and often read your blog.
      Im sorry you have had such a tough time.
      I moved up to Newcastle from London a year ago and like you really struggled to make friends.
      I eventaully found a stitch and bitch group which meet twice a week ages vary from 20 -70years and there can be anything from 10-20 people at each meeting. Ive met some fantastic friends and everyone is really creative. This is just knitting and crochet but my friends joined one in her home town thats everything from swopping recipes to quilting.
      Anyway good luck but its worth looking into groups near you
      xxx

      Comment by Liane — September 12 2011 @ 5:13 pm
    18. Danielle,

      You pretty much described the journey to self discovery I had a few years ago; I can totally relate to what you’re going through. Please always remember you have people who love and care about you – we may not be in London with you but think of our often and miss you.

      Comment by Kimberly — September 13 2011 @ 1:32 am
    19. trend theorist. i like it :)

      can’t truly articulate how i feel about this post or how this post made me.

      loved reading every single word.

      love your openness and honesty.

      love your bravery.

      love.

      xoxo

      Comment by tricia — September 29 2011 @ 1:13 pm
    20. Hi Danielle,

      Sounds like you’ve had some trying times followed by sunshine, and I guess that’s how it is for us freelancers. As always, I admire your persistence and knack for fielding adversity. It’s eye-opening to follow in your journey whether it’s smooth sailing or bumpy. It’s also great that amidst all the chaos you found your niche of “Trend Theorist”!

      Cheers,
      Wendy

      Comment by Wendy — October 5 2011 @ 5:57 pm
    21. Danielle, nothing worth having/doing ever comes easy, and I really hope that things will get smoother for you soon! You are incredibly talented at what you do…I think it’s just a matter of time before the results of your hard work start pouring in…in London, or in Toronto!

      Best of luck!!!

      Nelia

      Comment by Nelia - Style Blog — October 7 2011 @ 6:24 pm
    22. Thanks so much for sharing Danielle! I am planning on moving to London from Toronto next year so reading your story has been really helpful.
      Best of luck with everything, you have an amazing gift.

      Daniela

      P.S. miss Rags and Mags a lot!

      Comment by Daniela — October 13 2011 @ 5:45 pm
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